Interviews & Publications

A Perspective on Complaining

When It Is Probably “Appropriately” Sharing Struggles and Problems

There is a difference between sharing your struggles and challenges with people and complaining. The difference is in the intent. It is not complaining if, for example, you do it to feel like you can have someone understand you, or give you advise, to have someone just listen while you solve it yourself through talking. It is likely complaining if you want someone to fix something you should fix yourself, if you give away your power in the process, if you want someone to pity you, or if you want to bond with someone else based on struggle and negativity.

Sometimes someone is sharing struggles and challenges with you and it is not complaining, but it starts to drag you down and drain your energy. If this is the case, then you have to clarify your priorities and do some strategic thinking. For most people, and in most situations, it is appropriate to say that you are tired and you would rather focus on positive things right now. However, when a friend or loved one is in a crises and you want to maintain the relationship, then you may choose to continue to let that person unload their emotional baggage on you. If you do it, make it a conscious choice and try to make sure it is not a pattern with that person.

It may be difficult to distinguish the line between complaining/negativity and appropriate discussion and processing of negative and/or painful events. To help you distinguish this line, consider asking what “good” is this talking serving? Is it in the service of promoting empowerment for myself and/or others?

When It Is Probably Complaining

Generally, when someone talks about problems and discouragements, they are trying to release something, or to let the pressure out, so they feel better. We call it complaining when it becomes more than that. People complain for different reasons. Sometimes they want you to fix something they should fix themselves. Sometimes they want to bond based on negativity, suffering and powerlessness. Sometimes they want an excuse to get out of something. And, sometimes, they are so invested in a self concept as a victim that they are not able to talk about things in terms of hope, goals, and solutions. The down side is that it does NOTHING to help them resolve their problems. As a result, they become addicted to talking with you because they feel better without ever having to experience the discomfort that comes with making concrete changes. It is an addiction because there is a build up of tension and an intense need to talk to you, then the tension decreases – only to build up again over the very same issues. This cycles without end because it serves as a mood modulator, that is it helps decrease unpleasant feelings and/or increase good feelings immediately and temporarily. The problem is that you participating keeps the process going, encourages people to do it more, and contributes to their being trapped in the cycle. It makes it more difficult for someone else to break the cycle when you participate in this addictive process. This is technically called co-dependency.

Dealing with Complainers

It is important to understand that, continuing to let someone complain connects people with their weakness instead of their strength. As a result, when you do this, you foster dependency and disempowerment. Therefore, you need to set limits and boundaries.

Instead of allowing someone to continue complaining, consider giving him or her a limited amount of time to vent, then ask questions to help the person focus on a solution. You may explain that you want to support the person and that you believe that it is useful to express what is going on and that continuing to focus on what the problem is actually makes it more and more difficult to make any changes. You can explain that you are trying to more and more focus on how to respond creatively and positively to situations and problems, and that you are willing to support the person to explore solutions to their situation/problem. You can say that you have found that it is draining to focus on problems repeatedly, and that you think that you can best support the person by supporting them to break the cycle of focusing only on what is wrong.

It is easier to deal with complainers if you imagine that what they are doing is like sitting at a table with you and passing you a plate filled with smelly poop. Imagine pushing the plate back across the table, saying no thank you. Imagine saying that you invite that person to get rid of that in some way other than giving it to you. It is generally not appropriate to eat a plate full of poop. Similarly, it is generally not appropriate for you to support complaining.